It should have been the hottest reality show of the season.
Instead, it was such a train wreck I had to write about it.
I’m a huge fan of MTV’s The Challenge. Tuesday nights are for
Tiffany and I to forget about the awful world for an hour and watch trash
television. It’s my only remaining exposure to MTV and I’m okay with that. I
hope Johnny Bananas does
the show until he’s 60.
However, one ad caught our eye from the jump – the 90’s
House! How could this go wrong? I’m a 90’s kid! My friends and I talk all the
time about how
different life is for kids now
with technology. I was born in 1982, so my teenage years coincided with the
emergence of the Internet and AOL chat. I knew how this affected me, so I was
instantly intrigued by how today’s youth would deal in that environment.
Of course, that’s what the ads promised. In actuality, the
show delivered a generic competition with uninterested hosts, terrible
decisions and contestants lacking in charisma. Yet that wasn’t even my biggest
problem with the show (and yes I watched every second of every episode…)
What About The 90’s?
The series began with the dramatic reveal that all of the
contestants had to give up all of their technology. This was played up as a
huge deal and the uniqueness of the 90’s House – how will these kids live
without social media? Each contestant gave their own camera interview, talking
about how desperately they need to be on Twitter or Instagram to survive.
It was then never addressed again. Seriously! Over the
course of the next 7 episodes, not one word was uttered from one cast member
about not being on social media. The only implication came when an eliminated contestant
would retrieve their smartphone and check for messages. That was it.
Similarly, the challenges usually had only a tangential
relation to the 90’s, and even those were strained. In episode 3, Bill Bellamy
arrived to help the contestants with a “pick up” challenge where they had to
get people’s phone numbers in a bar. That’s the 90’s?
In the fourth episode, they made movie posters. Really? They
don’t make movie posters anymore?
During one challenge, the contestants had to dress up as
famous celebrities. Yet one, as Janet Jackson, talked about Rhythm Nation. That
album was released in 1989. No one seemed to noticed. Except me, and I felt a
million years old.
So essentially, the 90’s House was a generic reality show with
the contestants wearing 90’s clothes. I could still enjoy that. I desperately
wanted to. Yet the producers kept messing up…
Losing a Star in
Trevanna
The first episode centered on a Trevanna King, an extremely
slender woman from the Pacific Northwest who spoke urban and had a distinct
aversion to snakes. She spent the first episode constantly complaining about
snakes, until she screamed about how much she didn’t like snakes to the point
it scared her:
When they try to get you to go to a petting zoo.. #90sHouse pic.twitter.com/i7SO0aRXTU— 90s House (@MTV90sHouse) September 27, 2017
She was a star. Her
first challenge as a team leader was comically bad. During the elimination, she
went off on a further competitor with a speech about what she brought to the
table that should be taught in public speaking classes – just an absolute tour
de force.
Of course, she was eliminated in the first episode. What
were they thinking?!? You build up one person, who had the most charisma in the
house by a mile, and you eliminate her immediately? At least they wouldn’t make
that mistake again….
Losing a Villain in
Mark
Mark was a blonde dork with glasses who really, really
wanted the 90’s House to turn him into a star. He came with a plan, too. Even
though he was really cool and smooth (in his own eyes), he was going to
“pretend” to be a wussy loser who cried all the time. His plan – as stated –
was to fool the other players into thinking he was weak so they would keep him
around.
I have to be honest. His plan made absolute no sense, yet I
so desperately wanted to see it play out. Of course, we didn’t because the
producers cut his storyline off right when it was getting good.
Then Mark was
eliminated too.
Wait, what?
Yes, in the show’s third episode ever, they went with a
shocking double elimination. It was stupid on every conceivable level. For one,
a show needs to build up some goodwill with the audience before doing a double
elimination – I’ve watched enough reality TV to know these things need to be
special. This was shocking for the sake of being shocking.
Still, the more stupid part was that we all wanted to see
Mark get his! In any other reality show, Mark stays on and the entire next
episode is focused on the other cast mates trying to get rid of the villain
they all hate. That’s reality
TV 101! Instead, they instantly got rid of Mark without any payoff. No
plotting. No maneuvering. No build up. He was just gone. And we never saw his
plan take shape.
Well, at least the producers wouldn’t make that mistake
again…
Losing a Lover in
Patrick
Jesus Christ, they did it again. Sierra was the token “hot”
chick and Patrick was the token “dumb guy” who fell in love with her. It would
be sweet if it wasn’t so stupid. Of course, if you’ve watched reality TV, you
know where this is going – they eventually made out in the shower. Finally, The
90’s
House had a romantic angle going on.
Frankly, I was rooting for Patrick since he spent the
majority of the first four episodes pining for Sierra and talking about how she
was. Good for that guy. I was instantly curious how that relationship would…
The most maddening aspect of these pointless eliminations is
that the cast was not voting on who went home – the hosts, presumably the
producers, decided. These were unforced errors! They continually sent home the
most interesting person each week, to the point where it started to feel like
they were trying to tank the show. It
certainly seemed like no one gave a crap.
Christina Milian
Card-Read Good
I learned later that 90’s House was initially going to be
hosted by Lance Bass and air on VH1. Something happened, the show’s debut was
delayed and it ended up on MTV with Christian Milian as a co-host. Maybe she
appeals to today’s MTV viewer?
Regardless, Lance showed up from the first episode in pure
IDGAF mode. His outfits were absurd. His lines were delivered in a consistent,
over-the-top manner of a man who had stopped caring. During a dance challenge
to an ‘NSync song, Lance and old pal Joey Fatone spent the episode laughing and
cringing at the embarrassing spectacle in front of them.
Christina, on the other hand, well, she was trying. She
always appeared serious. She tried to portray the image of a real television
host. There was one small problem – she never learned her lines.
Every time she was on camera, her eyes would dart to the
left or right to read cue cards, like a second-rate SNL host. It was jarring
because she wasn’t saying anything important. They couldn’t reshoot? They
couldn’t make her remember her lines?
It was an embarrassing spectacle and it certainly didn’t
help the show’s ratings, which must have been microscopic
The Indignity of MTV2
The 90’s House aired after The Challenge for its first four
weeks, making 10pm to midnight on Tuesdays a happy time in our apartment. Then
in week five, our guide revealed there was no 90s House at 11pm. The show had
been, no, wait, cancelled??
It was even worse. It had been banished to MTV2, where it aired on
Fridays at 8 p.m. in standard definition to close out its run.
The end was so pathetic, as the finale included actual stars
like Michelle Williams, Tyson Beckford and Tatyana Ali. It become very evident
that the guest stars knew they were watching a train wreck. The finale
consisted of the three finalists lip-synching to 90’s songs and it felt like I
was revisiting my high school talent show. It was that bad.
As it progressed, Tatyana Ali sat there from the judges
table with a blank, confused star on her face. I knew exactly what she was
thinking, because I had the same thought:
“Why am I watching this right now?”
I didn’t have a good answer, because I assumed she was
getting paid.
As the show concluded, I realized I would miss it. I want
another 90’s House, with better producers, better cast and better hosts. It was
a million-dollar idea ruined by ten-cent execution.
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I need to watch this show now!
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