“So do you still think UConn
should say no to the ACC?”
“Shutup.”
“No, that was when he wrote about the ESPN killing the Big East. Which I still stand by.”
“But UConn and the ACC?”
“Yeah, UConn should be on its hands and knees every night praying to whatever God that state universities believe in that the ACC expands and takes them. Or that the Big Ten raids the ACC. Or any possible scenario that ends up with UConn not playing in the Metro Conference or whatever they end up naming it.”
“Ah yes, funny you bring that up. That’s why I called.”
“Dammit, they actually went with the Metro Conference, didn’t they? Nothing says ‘Dead Conference Walking’ more than naming it after a conference that is actually dead. Great work Mike Aresco, the state of Connecticut thanks you again for your stellar work.”
“Are you done?”
“I feel like Rory McIlroy done in by the pressure of being too rich and famous. I just want to walk away.”
“You know Rory is pulling a Chappelle right now.”
“Oh definitely, it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better. You know that blonde tennis chick he’s dating will dump her. Tiger is becoming his friend and that can’t be a good thing. I don’t think he’s ready for the mental anguish that comes with ESPN talking heads debating your mental health. He’s too into Twitter and the such.”
“And the such? When did you start talking like that?”
“It’s what all the cool kids say.”
“Yeah, so, whatever. It’s not called the Metro Conference.”
“Thank God! Finally some good news.”
“Well, that’s debatable.”
“Oh shit, the name is worse?”
“Well…”
“Oh God, what did they do? Did they really take the Jersey Guy’s suggestion and name it the Big Metro American Conference? Good lord, he even suggested they call it the Big MAC and do a deal with McDonald’s. Oh geez, I’m freaking out, please tell me that’s not…”
“Calm down, it’s not the Big Mac conference. That would be better. Or at least tastier.”
“Better?”
“The new conference is going to be called the America 12.”
“The America 12 what?”
“I think just the America 12”
“What the fuck does America 12 mean? Aren’t there only 10 teams?”
“I don’t know, and yes.”
“Why did you call and ruin my day?”
“Because I knew you were in meetings all day and not religiously checking Twitter. So surprise, everything sucks again.”
“I’m so angry.”
“You don’t sound it.”
“I’m the Hulk pre-turning green. I’m the guy in Me, Myself and Irene before he goes nuts. I’m Jack Donaghy just crushing the anger into a ball.”
“That doesn’t sound healthy at all. Besides, it’s more fun when you get made, like when you were all ticked off about that Jack Swagger video.”
“Okay, seriously, I can’t take double anger right now. Let’s focus on doing whatever we can do as UConn fans to rid UConn of the America 12 Conference. The A-12? That’s the best they could come up it.”
“You have a better suggestion?”
“Literally, any other name. I mean, damn, the Metro Conference revival sounds heavenly compared to that. Can you imagine selling that to recruits? Yeah, sure you could play in the Big Ten or SEC, but wouldn’t you rather play in the America 12?”
“Adding a number is just opening yourself up for jokes.”
“Yeah, because the Big East West jokes with San Diego State and Boise weren’t enough. I bet they still have visions of expanding further west and creating a true national conference.”
“Could they?”
“Shutup. I don’t like when you call just to get me riled up. I have better things to do right now.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, something!”
“Don’t be so angry, it’s Thursday.”
“So?”
“Archer’s on tonight.”
“Finally, some good news.”
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