A Conversation Between Two People About Miley Cyrus

“Did you see it?”

“Ugh.”

“What’s that for?”

“You only call me when you ask me if I’ve seen something. So I know it’s probably something stupid and/or ridiculous that is only going to annoy me. And then you jot down whatever I say because you used to be a reporter. You’re going to put it on your blog. And you’re going to get like a million page views out of my anger.”

“A million?”

“Yeah, you told me that piece on Sharknado was a hit.”

“No I didn’t. Sharknado had a shelf-life of about 10 minutes. The movie was a hit. You were not.”

“Well God dammit, then why is you still calling me?”

“It’s amusing. And it’s an easy way for me to pump out a blog post.”

“Are you recording this?!?”

“How else did you think I did it?”

“….”

“Exactly, so anyway, did you see it?”

“I’m almost afraid to ask at this point.”

“The new Miley Cyrus video, Wrecking Ball. The video is exactly what you’d think. Except she’s naked.”

“No, I did not see it.”

“Seriously? You love crappy videos! Remember how that awful Jack Swagger video made you feel?”

“I would prefer not to.”

“Okay, okay, why haven’t you seen it?”

“I’m on a Miley Cyrus boycott.”

“Since when?”

“Since the VMA debacle.”

“But you said you didn’t even watch that!”

“True. So maybe since the publicity around the VMA debacle? You know I was too drunk at my fantasy football draft to watch.”

“How’s that going for you?”

“Well my team is 0-2 but Trent Richardson was just freed from the shackles of Cleveland. Yeah baby! Let’s talk about that. Man, it must absolutely suck to live in Cleveland and root for the Browns. They just punched every fan in the groin. Acting like Trent Richardson is somehow not good. Barry Sanders couldn’t run for 100 yards behind that line. I tell you what…”

“No, no, that’s fine. I write enough about football on my blog. I need some pop culture. Need to Grantland it up.”

“Are you using Grantland as a verb now?”

“I’ll do anything to get some of that sweet, sweet Bill Simmons paper.”

“Do I get a cut?”

“Only if you start talking about the Miley Cyrus video I asked about. Or at least your reasons for a boycott.”

“Typical white girl. That’s why. Aping on some ratchet culture, acting like she’s trendy. Go watch Ms. New Booty Miley. We’ve been twerking since…well since I was your age. This isn’t new. This is old.”

“Are these talking points from your girlfriend?”

“Well, yeah, basically. But she’s right. Who cares about a spoiled rich girl acting like trash? It’s not sexy. It’s not provocative. It’s a cry for help. She should just have a big ‘Daddy Doesn’t Love Me’ sticker across her forehead. Or her ass. It’s not like back in our day.”

“Back in our day?”

“Yeah, remember when Britney took her clothes off at the VMAs? We loved it. You know why?”

“Because Britney back then was smoking hot and Miley isn’t?”

“Yes. And no. Britney was trying to seduce us. She wasn’t trying to shock us. She was just like, here I am, a teenaged smokeshow, watch what you can’t have, ps I’m a virgin. It was perfect. Even Christina rocked it.”

“Aguilera?”

“I believe she was X-tina at the time. Now that’s how you do trashy! Wiggle your ass, writhe around, get dirty with three r’s and act slutty. Either of those alternatives is better than Miley’s pathetic plea for attention.”

“But it’s working! Even CNN had it on their front page over Syria.”

“That was a sad day for journalism.”

“I totally disagree with that! As a news organization, you can’t decide what people are interested in. You have to give them what they want. A sad day for humanity, maybe, but not journalism.”

“Whoa there buddy, totally disagree on that! CNN can decide what is more important. Us potentially going to war with Syria trumps a rich white girl shaking her ass against another rich white dude.”

“You need to face facts that people care about Miley Cyrus.”

“No we don’t! Just because websites and bloggers, like your dumb ass, keep putting her name in headlines as click-bait doesn’t mean we care. She’s everywhere right now so we have to pay attention. If only for me to go to work and shake my head with co-workers over it. Yeah, yeah, it’s terrible and stupid. No I don’t know what twerking is. And so on and so forth.”

“So what’s your suggestion?”

“Simpsons-style baby.”

“Huh?”

“Just don’t look. Just don’t look. Just don’t look at the monster.”

Follow me on Twitter