“Did you see it?”
“Oh God, what now?”
“Why are you always so unhappy to hear from me?”
“Because you only call me when you want to get me ranting about
something stupid like Sharknado
or Miley
Cyrus acting like a ho.”
“Now, now, let’s not forget about that awful
Jack Swagger video…”
“Why would you remind me of that?!? I almost forgot about
the time the WWE told the whole world that wrestling was fake, the characters
were fake and no one should take it seriously. Please, thank you very much for
that reminder. I needed that!”
“Well aren’t we fired up this morning?”
“Sorry, I’m a little on edge. I stayed up until like 3am
reading about UConn’s
next football coach.”
“Your thoughts?”
“So a good hire?”
“Well, it’s about a billion times better than the last hire,
so I’m going to give it 9 thumbs up.”
“Fantastic. Now that we’ve gotten through your usual bluster
and blubbering, will you answer my question?”
“Ugh, again, as I always respond – what are you talking
about?”
“The selfie with President Obama and the Danish prime
minister.”
“Rawr.”
“What was that?”
“Rawr. The sound of an excited cat.”
“Really?”
“Look, the chick was hot and wanted
a piece of Obama, so he gave her a little flirting. It was a festive atmosphere.
It was a celebration. People are taking it the wrong way; it was a funeral like
we think of funerals.”
“So it’s still cool to openly flirt with another world
leader and take a selfie at a dead man’s celebration?”
“Why isn’t David Cameron getting any flack for this? He was
right there too. The Danish PM didn’t want him though. She wanted Obama. What’s
so wrong with that? A little flirting never hurt anybody.”
“Says the man who watches pro wrestling on YouTube...”
“I watched This Tuesday in Texas
last night. What a show! Very underrated. 10 thumbs up. I was surprised.”
“Can we focus?”
“Oh yes, of course, let’s get you a blog post for your precious blog that is so
well-read. How can I help you go viral? Want me to say something provocative
and-or stupid?”
“Sure.”
“Obama didn’t do anything wrong. Period, end of story. He
got a little caught up in the moment, flirted with a hot blonde and is probably
paying for it now behind closed doors. Game, set, match, we’re done here.”
“Your sports metaphors are awful at times.”
“Well, there are 33 rounds in boxing so try me.”
“Now you’re just aping Kevin Hart.”
“He aped me!”
“This is running off the rails quickly. Are you drunk?”
“I am not sober, no. Does that answer your question?”
“No.”
“Excellent.”
“This is going nowhere.”
“What do you expect? I’m not gonna hate on our President for
acting like a human being. We always bitch and moan, ya know? I wish our
political leaders were more like us. I wish celebrities were real people. I
wish athletes didn’t just speak in clichés. Well here is our President acting
just like us and we fucking hate it.”
“Just like us?”
“The word of the year is selfie! Mashable just made a list of
the most
memorable selfies of the year. I want to live in a world where we’re over
selfies.”
“How many selfies have you posted to Instagram?”
“That’s not the point!”
“Answer me!”
“One”
“I want the truth!”
“You can’t handle the truth!!”
Laughter
“Okay that was awesome. But back to your selfie hatred, why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why do you hate selfies? You do it. I do it. Everyone does
it.”
“And if everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge…”
“Okay, Nana, I get that argument. But you’re doing it!”
“Look, we’re all self-absorbed assholes who only care about
ourselves. That’s who we are. Social media, the Internet, television, it’s all
putting the spotlight on ourselves. And there’s no easier way to draw attention
than snapping
a quick pic of yourself. The Look at Me Generation – that’s what we’ve
devolved into. It’s brutal.”
“The Look at Me Generation – I like the ring of that.”
“Patent pending.”
“For what?”
“The novel I’m writing with that title.”
“Since when?”
“Since about 14 seconds ago. It does have a good ring to it!”
“So what does the future hold for this generation?”
“Hopefully, something that forces people to get up off their
couch and do something. I’m scared for the future. Can I be serious for a
moment?”
“I guess.”
“The Metro this morning, and every morning, is filled with
two types of people – those reading a printed
newspaper and those reading their cell phone. I would bet that the people reading
the newspaper are more successful. This is based on absolutely nothing but
conjecture. But they are not absorbed in themselves – they are absorbed in the
world.”
“The people on the phones aren’t?”
“Not to the same degree, because they can’t be divorced from
their network for even a second. It’s sad. I saw something from my buddy Kevin
Hart that made an impact on me. Before he went on stage – I think it was Laugh
At My Pain, he gathers
with his buddies and says, ‘Everyone wants to be famous, but nobody wants
to put the work in’ or something like that. It’s the best description I’ve ever
heard of this generation.”
“No one wants to work?”
“Man, we don’t want to do shit. Look at the selfie. Look at
YouTube. Everyone sees Kim Kardashian, who has literally never done anything of
note except to get f—“
“Hey now…”
“You know what made her famous. But she’s a role model
because everyone sees that and thinks, if she can get rich doing nothing, so can
I! Our whole society has become the equivalent of those Internet ads – would you
like to make 6-figures from your couch? Here’s how!’
“So your view of society is not good?”
“It’s terrible. And depressing.”
“But Obama’s selfie was okay?”
“Hell no, the selfie was tacky because all selfies are tacky
and stupid.”
“In closing, you’re anti-selfie, pro-flirting and anti-today’s
youth.”
“And pro-Diaco.”
“Yes, go Huskies.”
“Go Huskies!”
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